The Devil Wears Atkins

I am fully convinced my boss is a cyborg, sent from the future to destroy me. I have never met a human being that annoys me more than her. She had to have been assembled in hell. In fact, here’s how to make my boss, L. Take Lurch from the Addams family, give him a tire around his waist and saggy boobs. Stick Michael Bolton’s finger in the socket, shave his hair off and paste it on female Lurch in uneven patches. Remember to leave a couple strands sticking straight up on the top of her head. Combine Fog Horn Leg Horn’s projection and The Nanny’s voice, and then sprinkle a little Long Island magic and BOOM. My boss.

Now, of all the weird crap I have to sit through with a stoic look on my face, pretending I’m not bothered, the weirdest of all has got to be the food. I’ve suffered through her beef shots during meetings, show and tell, baby talk, complete and utter idiocy. But I cannot take her eating habits. Daily (and if I’m unfortunate enough, twice a day), I have to watch her ingest foul smelling and horrid foods while she informs me what she is eating. As if I cannot see that she is eating a piece of gravlax, I get to hear “Erin I’m eating gravlax” while she chews. With her mouth full. This week she started a no-carb diet which will make her, in her words, “waste away.” I can only pray this is true. I’ve decided to keep a weekly recording of the food she brings into work. It’s more for cathartic reasons than your entertainment. If I don’t get this out, I’m just gonna burst.

Highlights of this week include:

You ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing!

Tuesday was Cubed Cheese. L appeared for our morning meeting with an entire bag of cubed cheese for her breakfast. And not just a bag of cubed cheese, the bag of cubed cheese. The Food Emporium bought, Kraft re-sealable cubed cheese. And she ate the whole bag. I googled the nutrition facts: a bag of Kraft cheese has 7 servings. 7! By my calculations that means L’s breakfast consisted of:
840 calories
70 grams of fat
120 grams of cholesterol
1680 grams of sodium
49 grams of saturated fat, which by the way is 245% of the saturated fat of a normal daily intake

That egg smells like a fart
This is an actual e-mail I received from my co-worker when L was eating hard boiled eggs, whole. She ate 5 hard boiled eggs for breakfast in no more than 7 bites. Fart smell wafting out of her full mouth, “I can’t talk to you right now, I’m eating my hard boiled eggs,” she told me.

Get your hot dogs!
Yesterday we had delicious cake for November birthdays. L could not have cake so she opted for a cold hot dog with no bun. The bunless dog was consumed with no plate, and held like a microphone while she loomed over me informing everyone in earshot, “Look what I’m eating, cause I can’t have cake. A hot dog, isn’t that funny? Isn’t that so funny?”

“Yeah it is, it really, really is,” I said flatly as I brushed the chewed pieces of hotdog out of my hair.


I’ve never ordered breakfast before!
Yesterday morning L ordered an omelet with ‘a side of 3 cups of lettuce’ for breakfast from a nearby deli. She was delighted with her ability to a.) know that delis serve breakfast b.) know she was hungry c.) order breakfast. She was fascinated by the process and thrilled by the results. She told the entire office.


Stay tuned for next week. She will probably come into work with a live cow.